I don't really know what to say.

There are no words.
Seriously.
I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.  But I need to process this...this...this week.
And I may not say what I mean to say perfectly, I am very exhausted after a very long tech week- but please bear with me and extend grace.

My heart is beyond broken.
There is a heaviness and a sadness that weighs on me in the wake of the violence perpetrated against God's beloved children.

I am horrified that anyone could be killed because of a broken tail light. Or any other minor infraction.  Selling CD's ? Lives taken because of...misdemeanors?  What the hell?
And then, in the aftermath...the families.
And the shootings in Dallas.

That is wrong on so many levels.

I see this boy, and I am devastated.

I don't understand.
I don't understand why murder is the answer.  Or, since it was the "heat of the moment"- I guess that makes it manslaughter? Whatever.  It's wrong. Surely there is another way- other than taking a life.  And all this fear and hate escalates and cycles around and around- and the violence leaves in its wake broken families and children and people who live in fear.

My entire being aches at the "wrongness" of it all.
I want to do something, but like most people- I feel helpless.
But, it seems, the best thing to do is to listen and pray and love.
For now.
To hear the anger, the grief, the rage- to really hear it.
To not brush it aside or try and dilute or diffuse it in any way.
To be open to the fact that we may have some wrong thinking about racism and life and people.
People who work hard, live their lives, love their families, have hopes and dreams and have to navigate hate and anger and prejudice because of the color of their skin.  Something that GOD chose for them.  And to see community and family mowed down for that very reason?
PAIN.  ANGER.  GRIEF.  RAGE.
It is real- it is valid.

Yes, all lives do matter.  Very much so.

But right now, BLACK lives matter so much more.  Because they haven't for so long-for whatever reasons- and what was once "hidden" (well, not really)  is now surfacing with a vengeance.  A mirror is being held up to our society- enough is enough and it's time to recognize the injustice for what it is and do something about it.   Standing by and saying nothing is not an option anymore.

All of our systems are racist and broken- there is racism so ingrained in our culture- along with misogyny- that we don't even recognize it anymore.
 Heaven help the women of color.

As an example of this kind of indoctrination- stuff that seems harmless, yet isn't- yesterday, an actor asked me for a "wife-beater" undershirt.  I called him out- gently- of course, because this young man is a loving and caring human being- but this kind of brokenness is so ingrained in our culture- he didn't even recognize what he had said.  I know that example isn't tied to racism but the point is- he didn't know what he had said. 
Sometimes- when it comes to racism and misogyny-
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WE ARE PARTICIPATING.

We need to wake up- we need to examine our hearts and deal with what is there.

I have a friend who told me that she had to get an older bicycle because when she rode her new one, the cops would stop her because they thought she STOLE it.  She has been treated like she can't READ or she is stupid- and she has a master's degree! The stuff she has faced is ABSURD.  It colors her world, and she lives in this tension- this caution- this perpetual having to be on guard because she could be accused of something she is innocent of- all because of the color of her skin?  Really?  It makes me want to rip my hair out.
 All I can say is- I am sorry.  I am so sorry for a world that cannot recognize the beautiful human that she is. This is tragedy of an epic scale- all the more so- because it occurs to millions of our brothers and sisters around the world every day, in their daily lives.

Because I am white- this is something I have never had to deal with- the only glimpse I got of that kind of discrimination was catching some mild anti-American sentiment when I spent the summer in Poland.  But that was extremely small potatoes comparatively speaking.  I have never had to worry about getting shot if I get pulled over with a broken tail light.  Stores don't act suspicious around me when I am shopping. People think I can read.  I can ride a bike or drive a car and not be accused of stealing it.
I find the fact that these things happen all the time to people with non-white skin disgusting.  People live with this every day.  EVERY DAY.  ALL THE TIME.

Not okay.  Not even close.

We white people need get a grip, get over ourselves and open up to the pain people are feeling- stand with them.  We may never truly understand, but we can open our hearts, ears and mind and try. We can care.  We can act.
Until we can do that- we can't turn the tide of injustice.
We need to love.  We need to be sorry.

If you consider yourself a Christian....you need to pray.
You need to repent- and to pray.
If all you can do is be there and listen- then BE THERE and LISTEN.
God highly values each and every life here on this planet.
ALL OF THEM.
Romans 2:11 says that God does not show favoritism.  He loves us all equally.  We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves- not because they look like us, or think like us, or act like us.
Because GOD.

Each one of these lives that has been taken, this past week, month, year, decade, century- is a flesh and blood representation of God- one He created with a purpose, with gifts, with love, with joy.
They have value far beyond anything we can imagine or expect.
That is what matters.

I feel like the acceleration of violence and racism we are seeing is an expression of something much larger.  Please hear me,  I don't mean to denegrate the racism we see, racism kills- it is beyond detrimental- there are no words for the extent of the damage happening.

Yesterday- as I took a wee break from work, and was sitting here having my heart pummeled by the news,  Ephesians 6:12 came to my mind.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,

but against rulers, against the powers, 

against the world forces of this darkness,

against the spiritual forces of wickedness 

in the heavenly places.

We don't battle flesh and blood.  

We don't battle each other.  If we are- I think we may be missing the point. 

Be on the alert,

your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion,

seeing someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy...

John 10:10

What is happening in all of this violence?  What havoc is racism wreaking in our lives? What does it do to our lives?

Fear.

Hate.

Apathy.

Division.

Hopelessness.

Rage.

Murder.

Anyone else think that the devil is having a field day?  

There is something very deep happening here- I am not sure what it is- but RACISM and the repercussions we are experiencing are its expression.
Is it unlove?  Perhaps- it is certainly tied somehow to the fact that people do not value life.  I feel like there is a name for what it is- but I don't know how to identify it.  It is racism, and it is more as well.

This thinking that people who are of a different color than others- that are a different color other than "white"- are in any way shape or form "LESS THAN"- that is nothing short of SIN.

SIN.

It is ugly.

It is dark.

It is wrong.
It is not of God at all.

Repentance is required- for unrighteous judgement, for racism in our own hearts.

Father, open the eyes of our hearts to where we are wrong.

Help us to repent.

Help us to love.  

Help us to listen and truly hear.

Show us how to pray, and how to stand and be with those who are grieving.  Help us to travail alongside them.  Help us to understand.

I thank You that you are a God who loves justice.

That you will bring justice to light- it may not be in our timing, 

or the way we would like to see it.

But I thank you that we can trust You to be just.

And merciful.

Let Your tangible presence be felt by those who are just overwhelmed with grief, pain, anger and despair.

Help them to process their grief, let it not consume them,

Guard them from unforgiveness and bitterness for the sake of their souls.

Help them to know that You are there- that You are grieving and angry because

of the desecration of Your children.  

Help them to see You will never leave or forsake them.

And help us to fight.

Not each other- but the forces of darkness that seek to kill, steal and destroy.

Show us what we are fighting and let us be beacons of light, grace and love 

in the face of hatred, fear and darkness.  

Let Your perfect love flow through us with such force that it blasts away the wickedness

and unlove in the world.

Help us to be reconcilers, to be repairers of the breach.

Help us to champion our brothers and sisters, to love,

to protect.

We need You now, more than ever.

Show us the way back to you. 

Your word says that You cause all things to work together for the good of those who love You.

Help us to love You.

And each other.

And work miracles in our families, our homes, our towns,

our cities, our countries and our world.

Miracles, Abba- please- we are desperate for You.

Amen.