A thing about a thing....
Summer continues.
I had goals to write on a regular basis, so here we are.
Sounds of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" have rung through the theatre for the past couple of days as the kids rehearse a 1980's version of Much Ado About Nothing. It is hilarious to see them in costume and remember- no...those 80's fashions didn't look good on us either. Stirrup pants? Really? WHAT WERE WE THINKING???
Work-wise, my brain appears to have turned to mush as I walk into rooms and wonder why and have to have lists of my lists. And I feel a bit "meh" about the whole thing. Not that I don't care, but I don't care- if that makes sense? Beautiful costumes are happening as they should, on time, with appropriate care and detail...but...what?
I confess, I am envious of all the people who get to slow down and enjoy summer.
And I wonder- what the heck am I doing and why?
Sorry- no answers or opinions today- just questions.
There is a huge Christian Leadership summit happening in the new building of my old church this week, BIG NAMES and everything. All sorts of folks being inspired and challenged. Friends are there- and they post nifty soundbites on Facebook and I am...un-enthused. At best. I feel...mistrustful? This makes me feel terrible, after all, these are my brothers and sisters in Christ and yet...the feels are still there.
What is wrong with me?
I think this conviction about taking care of the poor is wrecking my life.
I am totally okay with that- I just don't know how to actually do it.
I mean, I am doing it- trying anyway...but...I am not actually stellar about it- not when I read about folks going to India who worked alongside Mother Teresa- a.k.a. "Momma T"- and sleeping with the homeless and fighting for people's rights on a daily basis...
Meanwhile, I just carry on, show up, do my thing and wonder if I have this whole thing completely backward and how do I fix that? How do I become what I should be? How does that work in the context of "Church?"
I don't like mistrusting "Church"- or the people in it....but I am constantly trying to have self-control to not shake people and yell "NONE OF THIS MATTERS!"
The buildings, the programs, the lights and flash.... I mean it does matter, but does it?
And "it" still matters to me too....or does it?
I love the prayer ministry I am involved in at church- more than the service if I am honest.
And I wonder....what does that mean?
I am wondering if I would be better off skipping "church" and working at the shelter I've just started volunteering at. Seeing Jesus there. Being Jesus there....I wonder.
How do we do it? How do we live a life that battles for justice and breaks oppression and cares for and loves those in need in a culture that is opposite the message of the gospel in every way? In a "CHURCH" that seems more interested in being culturally relevant and doing their own thing rather than what Jesus tells us to do. That is a sweeping generalization- and isn't true across the board, don't get me wrong- everyday saints are doing their thing under the radar all the time.
Sorry, y'all. I am tired. And I am so used to being tired- when my friends tell me that of course I am tired, I have A LOT happening- I think- "What are you talking about? This is normal." Which is a little sad.
I am over normal.
I just don't know what to do about it except to keep on keeping on.
Today that means figuring out the logistics of a princess disguise for a dragon, you know, like you do.
I am thankful to not be complacent or satisfied.
I am okay in this season of what-the-heck-is-happening-to-me...really, I am.
But I am tired. I am weary.
I read this somewhere- and it goes on each month of my calendar to remind me:
Maybe this is a good place to be- enjoying the nomination- but not terribly invested. There is some stellar competition so I probably won't win- and that is totally fine. We'll go to the ceremony and have a good time. It'll be fun to celebrate the storytelling that happens here in the Pacific Northwest.
Change is in the air- and in my heart.
I had goals to write on a regular basis, so here we are.
Sounds of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" have rung through the theatre for the past couple of days as the kids rehearse a 1980's version of Much Ado About Nothing. It is hilarious to see them in costume and remember- no...those 80's fashions didn't look good on us either. Stirrup pants? Really? WHAT WERE WE THINKING???
Work-wise, my brain appears to have turned to mush as I walk into rooms and wonder why and have to have lists of my lists. And I feel a bit "meh" about the whole thing. Not that I don't care, but I don't care- if that makes sense? Beautiful costumes are happening as they should, on time, with appropriate care and detail...but...what?
I confess, I am envious of all the people who get to slow down and enjoy summer.
And I wonder- what the heck am I doing and why?
Oh, Phryne, is this a mystery you can solve?
Sorry- no answers or opinions today- just questions.
There is a huge Christian Leadership summit happening in the new building of my old church this week, BIG NAMES and everything. All sorts of folks being inspired and challenged. Friends are there- and they post nifty soundbites on Facebook and I am...un-enthused. At best. I feel...mistrustful? This makes me feel terrible, after all, these are my brothers and sisters in Christ and yet...the feels are still there.
What is wrong with me?
I think this conviction about taking care of the poor is wrecking my life.
I am totally okay with that- I just don't know how to actually do it.
I mean, I am doing it- trying anyway...but...I am not actually stellar about it- not when I read about folks going to India who worked alongside Mother Teresa- a.k.a. "Momma T"- and sleeping with the homeless and fighting for people's rights on a daily basis...
Meanwhile, I just carry on, show up, do my thing and wonder if I have this whole thing completely backward and how do I fix that? How do I become what I should be? How does that work in the context of "Church?"
I don't like mistrusting "Church"- or the people in it....but I am constantly trying to have self-control to not shake people and yell "NONE OF THIS MATTERS!"
The buildings, the programs, the lights and flash.... I mean it does matter, but does it?
And "it" still matters to me too....or does it?
I love the prayer ministry I am involved in at church- more than the service if I am honest.
And I wonder....what does that mean?
I am wondering if I would be better off skipping "church" and working at the shelter I've just started volunteering at. Seeing Jesus there. Being Jesus there....I wonder.
How do we do it? How do we live a life that battles for justice and breaks oppression and cares for and loves those in need in a culture that is opposite the message of the gospel in every way? In a "CHURCH" that seems more interested in being culturally relevant and doing their own thing rather than what Jesus tells us to do. That is a sweeping generalization- and isn't true across the board, don't get me wrong- everyday saints are doing their thing under the radar all the time.
Sorry, y'all. I am tired. And I am so used to being tired- when my friends tell me that of course I am tired, I have A LOT happening- I think- "What are you talking about? This is normal." Which is a little sad.
I am over normal.
I just don't know what to do about it except to keep on keeping on.
Today that means figuring out the logistics of a princess disguise for a dragon, you know, like you do.
I am thankful to not be complacent or satisfied.
I am okay in this season of what-the-heck-is-happening-to-me...really, I am.
But I am tired. I am weary.
I read this somewhere- and it goes on each month of my calendar to remind me:
It takes incredible courage to wait on God
in what feels like the wrong place-
until He gives us the incredible gift
of the right action.
I can't remember where I found it or who said it- but dang, it is keeping me going right now.
I don't even know if I am in the wrong place. I just don't....
This thing happened this week:
I am honored. I am.
This is Seattle's version of the Tony Awards.
This particular show was incredibly hard. Well, the process was....it should not have been- but for reasons I shall not go into, it was.
It is known around the shop as "That-show-that-shall-not-be-named."
I am not kidding.
I am not kidding.
It ended up looking lovely, the cast were beyond amazing, the director supportive.
But at one point in the nightmare of the process, I said to someone, "Watch, THIS will be the one I get nominated for." Because RIDICULOUSNESS.
When the email showed up, I laughed for five minutes. Seriously. I did.
Hilarity ensues.
When the email showed up, I laughed for five minutes. Seriously. I did.
Hilarity ensues.
So I am honored, and yet part of me doesn't care, and I don't know why. It's lovely to be acknowledged among my peers. It really is.
There's a lot of theatre in Seattle and only 5-6 nominees- so it's a thing.
Maybe this is a good place to be- enjoying the nomination- but not terribly invested. There is some stellar competition so I probably won't win- and that is totally fine. We'll go to the ceremony and have a good time. It'll be fun to celebrate the storytelling that happens here in the Pacific Northwest.
Change is in the air- and in my heart.
We shall see what we shall see.
Sarah, If we were sitting and talking I would want to say this: I can appreciate how frustrating it can be, to be listening for answers with an open mind and heart, but not yet be getting answers from the one you seek. I was told to keep praying for enlightenment and patience for receiving direction. If your soul is conflicted with what your church is about, what they represent, who they represent and what their focus is going forward, perhaps this is at least part of why you are so tired, and feeling that you care but yet you also feel that you do not. I believe your church community should help you find answers, not add to your questions. Granted, you won't always agree with everything they do or say, nor they with you but it sounds like they are adding to your inner struggle. What I hear is conflict with yourself over what you do for a living and what does Christ wants of you in this life. The nomination magnifies that question for you. You are a brilliant designer that yes, deserves recognition for a job well done. Your humility through Christ makes it uncomfortable to accept that you are the talent to beat. In anything we do, He wants us to do our best and that is the way you live your life. You work hard, you play hard, you think hard, you pray hard. Keep searching for answers but recognize when you're doing it right. Your time spent in the shelter may open opportunities for you to feel that God is directing your life. He is even in the times we question. Keep searching. He will answer. That's what I'd say if we were sitting and talking. I look forward to doing that again. We know what happens if we walk and talk. Just sayin'. Carole
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your nomination, Sarah! You totally deserve it! And thank you for sharing your heart. I totally get what you're saying. I wonder the same things myself. I'm so tired of church as normal.
ReplyDelete