On Mothers...

Today is Mother's Day.
It has always been a bit of a complex holiday for me.

Don't get me wrong.
I love my mom.
She was an amazing and strong woman.

But our relationship was always a bit...complicated.
We "butted heads" quite a bit.
I never doubted that she loved me, but it could be difficult at times to connect with her.  She was EXTREMELY opinionated.

When I think of my mom, I think about her gorgeous gardens, wherever we lived.
She was a master gardener, she was a journalist, an accountant, a great cook, a good writer.
She loved all animals, particularly cats.
She was a great cook, until she lost her sense of smell- and then it was a bit of a crapshoot.
She was unbelievably intelligent.
Her favorite job was being a tour guide at the Belvedere House in Galena, IL.
She could not tell a joke.
She was fiercely loyal.
She would be the first person to help you out of a jam, and the first person to tell you why you were in that jam in the first place....
She was "always right"....and more often than not...she was.

I miss her silly weekly letters talking about laundry and the garden and the cat.  She never talked about the important things that needed to be talked about- it would get frustrating how she would drop those nuggets randomly into conversations.   For instance, I was telling her about a trip to the Urgent Care with a reaction to an antibiotic and her response was,"OH.  YES.  I am also allergic to lots of antibiotics and medicines, you should be careful."  Sigh.

I think it's a bit of an adjustment for us to realize that our parents are just people.
They are (or should be) the first adults in our lives that we look up to.
They are our everything for awhile. We look to them to be the models of how we live our lives.
But at some point in our lives, we discover their brokenness and imperfection.
It comes as a bit of a shock.
I was in my early thirties when this started to happen with my mom.
Her parents began aging, and being unwell.
The family went through all the things families go through with aging parents.
There were disagreements, and fights and hurt feelings.
Ah, family.

And then they died.  Grandma first.  Grandpa two months to the day after.
It was a rough time for all of us.
And I began to see my mom clearly.
I could see that the abrasiveness in her personality came from a place of deep emotion.
She cared so much.  She hurt so much.
Some things have come to light since that have allowed me to see how alone she felt.
Some of that isolation was because of choices she made, but some of it wasn't.
I think she felt that everything was a battle- and she battled for the good of those around her, sometimes at great cost to herself.
She was a complicated woman.

I always hated Mother's Day.
Not because I hated my mom, far from it.
But all the mushy, gushy, pink and gooey cards never fit.
I always struggled to find one that worked.
Now, I think they didn't do her justice.
Now, they all seem shallow.  Her method of nurturing was not "sweet" but it was strong.
And it's hard, because I think her feelings were way mushier than she ever let on-she probably would have loved one of those cards.
She was extremely tender-hearted, but life had happened.
Like many of us, she self-protected with a hard and crusty exterior.

I am sure I am not alone in a complicated relationship to the woman who birthed me.
Some of us never met the woman who birthed us.
Some of us were abused or neglected by the woman who birthed us.
Some were abandoned, in spirit or in truth.
Some of us still struggle with our mothers.
People are complicated.

But as I get older, I realize "mothers" come in all shapes, sizes and forms.
I, myself,  am a "mother" even though I haven't and most likely won't ever give birth.
It's an honor to be this kind of mother.
We're the mothers who give your mom a break.
We're the mothers who can give you a different perspective and the moral support you need when your mama is DONE WORE OUT.
Your beautiful, complicated and imperfect mother.
When we need a mom, and our own mom hasn't the time/bandwidth/brain space/experience- there are other mothers there for us.  Women who can come along side us, and our mothers, to fill in the gaps.
This is the beauty of motherhood in all it's shapes and forms.
The women who instruct, listen, share their wisdom, pray, cry, laugh with us.
The women who have gone before. They have been there and done that.
They want to help you.
I have had these other mothers, valuable women in my life that I still seek their council, their friendship and their wisdom.
I am now one of these mothers.
I am a god mother to 3 crazy and beautiful and beloved kids.
I am thrilled to be able to stand alongside one of my dearest friends to help raise her children, and give her a break, remind her that she is doing awesome and not screwing up her kids.

It really does take a village.
Motherhood and fatherhood are sooo important.
As a society we forget that, or we feel too much pressure to be "perfect."
Our society loves  perfect, and success.
But our kids just love us.  In our glorious imperfection. They don't care.
Littles and bigs.
Think about all the people in your life who have parented you.
Who are you parenting?
Let us be a people who come alongside one another to love and to help.
Extend grace to one another.
As wonderful and amazing as your mama is, she isn't perfect.
And that is okay.
She is amazing and wonderful anyway.
Give her a hug for me.