Wrecked....

That's how I am feeling today.
Wrecked.
Raw.  Convicted.  Anguished.  Excited.  Terrified.
SO MANY FEELINGS.
Sigh.
And no, it doesn't have to do with Sunday's Downton- although, that was pretty epic, was it not?
OH, MARY.  OH, EDITH.

I digress.
I didn't blog last week- as my friends and I did a bit of a media fast.
Email was okay.  So was limited TV with the hubby- per my people, of course.  We started immediately, no lead up- nothing- we all decided to do it together- left our group that morning, informed our people on Facebook and off we went- it was a bit of a shock to the system.
I had no idea that I apparently needed a "transition" period until I didn't get one.  After 4 hours, I discovered I used the interwebs to kill more time than I thought...I got a bit twitchy.
But I persevered and decided to get productive.  I did a bunch of projects that I had been putting off- sexy stuff- like organizing all the sewing patterns at work.  So sexy.
Full disclosure- I think it was probably a wee cheat that Marty stayed up and watched Downton with me that week- he's a peach.
But now the media fast is over.
And you know what?
I don't know what to do with that.
I didn't really "miss" Facebook.  And Pinterest?  Maybe a little, I love looking at pictures...and I use it for work.  I really tried not to use the internet for work last week, unless I absolutely had to.  I have been back on Facebook this week, but not as much- I am hoping I can keep that going...spend my time doing other things- interacting with people, reading, drawing, praying...pondering.
We'll see.

I lament (see Joel 2:12-13...again) because I appear to be a product of my age, and it makes me a little ill.
I am feeling a bit squiffy today. So I decided to enjoy the luxury of a slow work day to stay home and rest and get better.
But it would appear God had other plans.
Hence, I am wrecked.

I sat down for what I thought would be a lovely extended quiet time- reading my Bible and other books, meditating...sketching...praying...like I do.

Two and a half hours later, I am a hot mess.  WRECKED.  Sad.  Convicted.
If you have been reading my blog- you'll know my people and I are doing Jen Hatmaker's 7: An Experimental Mutiny against Excess for Lent.  Already- God is working on us- which is fantastic- that's sort of the point, and I feel like Easter might actually mean something this year.
Finally.  Can I be honest?  It's been awhile.
As a self-proclaimed Christian- Easter (or Passover) is the main thing- and yet- it gets lost in all the warm fuzzy bunnies and candy and flowers and...I don't know- I wonder, what happened to Jesus? Not just in the church- but in my own heart?  This is a powerful day- why can't I feel it? Why are Cadbury mini-eggs suddenly so important to me? YIKES.
ANYHOO, I am hoping our Lenten intentionality will bring some healing and freedom and JESUS into that arena of my life... and we'll see how Easter goes this year.

So- I am reading what I consider one of Jen's  more powerful chapters (at least for me) on POSSESSIONS.
Possessions- stuff, crap, clutter, frou, gee-gaws, tchotckes (is that how you spell that?) You know what I mean.
How many kabillion storage facilities do we have in our country- because apparently all of our McMansions aren't big enough to hold all of our crap?  Seriously?
Most of us realize we have way too much- but we are slaves to the consumer machine, and in spite of our best intentions..well...

So, while I usually do bawl my eyeballs out during this chapter- I don't know- something different happened today.  Lord, help me to verbalize and process this.  There is a shift in the force.  It is welcome, and a little scary...

Many in my inner circle, including myself- are feeling the urge to purge....our possessions.  This has been happening for awhile- so it's not like all this revelation is coming out of nowhere.  I've been pondering and pondering- like I do.

This morning, I prayed that God would connect our little group with someone who needs our stuff.
And I expect an answer.  This prayer didn't go out into the "ether."  I KNOW that God is going to send someone our way- who needs our stuff.  It could get messy.
I should probably warn them.
I don't want to give stuff to Goodwill.  I know the thrift stores do good stuff, employ people etc. etc.  But I want to give stuff to people who really need it.  I just don't know who they are...yet.

I guess I am expecting a kick in the pants from God.  I am okay with that.
I look around my house- and we have far too many:  clothes, books, movies, towels, blankets, tupperware, random crap,  christmas decorations (that one is ALL me) all sorts of stuff, stuff, stuff.
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't look like hoarders live in our house or anything- everything is in order. But in the 10 years we have lived in our apartment, we have filled it to the gills.
I am done.
But someone may need that stuff- even the little silly gee-gaws- just so they know that God loves them and is interested, you know?
So how do we get from point A to point B?
And why am I so scared?
No idea- on either count.

This was in the chapter:

Obedience isn't a lack of fear.  It's just doing it scared.

Alrighty then.

Jen also said this:

Sometimes the best way to bring good news to the poor

is to bring actual good news to the poor.

It appears a good way to bring relief to the oppressed

is to bring real relief to the oppressed.

It's almost like Jesus meant what He said.

When you're desperate usually the best news you can receive is 

food, water, shelter.

That seems pretty straightforward, doesn't it?  So...why doesn't it happen?  Here's another nugget:

The gospel will die in the toxic soil of self.

Ouch.  Eloquent...and painful. 

For the last couple of years- God has really been speaking of dying to myself.  We talk about it in our fluent "christian-ese"- but do we really know what it means?  I don't think I do, not yet- but light is beginning to dawn.

Do I have the strength and courage to die to my selfishness, greed, power, accumulation, prestige and self-preservation?  God help me, I don't think I do.  So hopefully, God will help me.

And what will be birthed?  Generosity, kindness, patience, love, peace, joy?  The fruit of the spirit?
Sign me up.  But I don't know what it looks like to get there...and I suspect the process will be painful.

The world is broken.  Things are backwards...not as they should be.  If you have half a brain- you know this.  But how do we fix it?  How do we break the cycle and turn this mothership of consumerism around?  I don't know- but I know that I can't not try.

Do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth, 

where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, 

where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

For where your treasure is, 

there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

Where is my heart? 

My bendy elf collection?  My books?  My clothes?
When people in my own city are starving, that all seems pretty stupid.  Petty.  Ridiculous.

Children are homeless.  The working poor are going hungry.

I know I am not the only person feeling discontented and upset.

There are more like me out there, Christians who are more interested in getting to know Jesus, doing what He said rather than making a lot of noise in the political arena...rather than living the American dream- which somehow got twisted into gospel along the way.

From 7: 

Please, don't miss it because the American dream seems like a 

reasonable substitute, 

countering the apparent downside to living simply

so that others can live at all.

Do not be fooled by the luxuries of this world:

they cripple our faith.

Does that mean we should all go live in a hut with no electricity or running water?
I don't know.

Maybe- if that's the call.

Perhaps it means understanding what enough truly is.  Understanding how blessed we are that we can  turn a faucet and drinkable water comes out, or HOT water to take a shower.  To understand the huge blessing of being able to choose what food we eat- when even in our own cities and country, people don't have food, let alone a choice.  To be thankful for a warm and dry place to sleep- let alone all of our games, devices, entertainments and frou.  To know when we are sick, or an accident happens- help is a phone call away.

Lord, help us.

Help ME.

To be aware.  To be thankful  To change- to not be afraid to let go to help others.

Help me to live simply so I can help others live.

Give me ideas, strategies- time.  I am looking for opportunity.

Really, help me to not be afraid- because I am- and I don't even know why.  How silly is that?

Jen Hatmaker and her friends did this really cool thing- and I wish I could find a way to do it- because it's amazing.

Her friend had a spare STORAGE ROOM- yep, that's all it was- just storage.

And they set it up and organized it- and had a whole bunch of "stuff" in there- toiletries, dishes, clothing, bedding, towels, etc. etc...so that if they got word of a family in need- they could mobilize and take care of them!  I think that is brilliant!  BOOM.  Short term solutions!  DONE.

Awesome.

Now loving people, caring and mentoring- that takes time.  But it's hard to think about that stuff if you are cold, or sick or starving.

Kind of like when I used to recommend breath mints for the prayer team.  Who can concentrate on the deep things of God if they are distracted by Swamp-thing breath? AMIRIGHT?

LOVE.  That's what it is- to feed, to care for, to cloth.  It's all over the Bible- Old and New Testaments...or perhaps, that's the bit we don't like to read?

We've invented a thousand shades of gray, devising 

a comfortable Christian existence we can all live with-

super awesome.

Except that the Bible doesn't support it.

According to Scripture, no real disciple serves God while addicted to the dollar.

There is no sheep/goat hybrid.

There is no middle road.

There is no true believer who hates his brother.
Grayed-down discipleship is an easier sell, 

but it created pretend Christians 

obsessing over Scriptures we like

while conspicuously ignoring the rest.

Until God asks for everything and we answer,

"It's Yours."

we don't yet have ears to hear or eyes to see.

Jen Hatmaker

Lament.  Return.  Repent.

Seek mercy.  Act justly.  ACT.

LOVE.

Help me, Lord.  I don't want to live a life of words without action.

Help me get from where I am to where you want me to be.

Help me to be aware.

Help me to act.

Help me to not be afraid.

Amen.