Cue dramatic music...

Yes.
I have been very quiet.
Sorry, dear reader...life has been a bit bananas.
I had hoped to write before now...but LIFE.  Capital "L" life.

I know I hinted long ago about some "big news."
The reason for the secrecy was it was news that I needed to talk with my family about in person.
Which I did back in June on my trip to Iowa to celebrate Dad's 75th birthday (GO DAD!)
 But then....

PERSUASION.
A new musical of the Jane Austen book.  For the record, if you are near Seattle- you should go see it, it's truly lovely.  I am very proud of the show, and I don't say that often. Our team worked long and hard on it and it is beautiful. I highly recommend it- and I am persnickety when it comes to musicals. We open tomorrow night.  Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, indeed.

Photo by Erik Stuhaug

So- THE NEWS.
Where do I even begin?
I feel like I am living a Lifetime movie- only without a serial killer involved.

For those of you who know me, I am an only child.

Or so I thought.

Back in March, I returned from a lovely weekend away for my birthday to find a letter on my desk at work.
It was from a man in Connecticut named Bill who claimed he was adopted and had recently discovered that his birth mother was my mother.
MIC DROP.

So, there I was, casually chatting with a co-worker as I read this letter.
I promptly cussed, sat down and burst into tears.
Then I jumped up and said, "I have to go home" and left.
I got home and Marty was all, "It's 2:30, what are you doing here?" and I didn't know what to say.
So I handed him the letter.
He cussed.
We didn't know WHAT to think.
I had emailed Bill (he had included all his info on the letter) asking for more information.

We had all the thoughts and feels.
Is this a scam?
What does he want?
If he wants money....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Does he want a kidney?
Did Mom tell anyone?
DOES MY DAD KNOW???
I...was a wreck.  I was really worried about how my dad would take it.
And how do you break news like that?

"Say....did you happen to know about Mom's secret love child?"

Long story short- it all turned out to be true.
I think the moment of truth for me was when I opened the photos from Bill to discover my mother's face on a 51 year old man.

This was the response Marty and I had upon seeing the photos.

"OH."
Yep.  Dang, he looks like Mom.
And other members of the family.
Any doubts I had were gone the minute I looked at him.

I just called Dad and read him the letter- I didn't know what else to do.
He was...shocked but not surprised.
I was like WHAT?????? and totally relieved at the same time.
Apparently- he and mom had made an agreement to not talk about previous relationships, but an off-hand comment by a nurse the night I was born and some information on Mom's autopsy caused him to have "suspicions."

SO- it's been a process.  We've been piecing together the history of what happened.
We eventually discovered who Bill's birth father is...we knew his first name because he was a long term boyfriend of Mom's, but that's all the information we had. Bill has been able to track down some of that side of his family- although I don't think he's contacted them yet.
It's explained a lot of things about my mom- her irrational fear of the interwebs, for one thing- and just some trust issues and behavior along the way.

She didn't tell a soul.
She took it to her grave.
For a chatty person, that woman could keep a secret.

Back in the 60's, she was involved with a man for 3 years, apparently deep in love- they got pregnant, and THEN she discovered he was married with 5 children.
Wanker.
Poor mom.
He "couldn't" get a divorce (Did he try? We're really not sure) so she did what she thought was best for the baby and for her.  She gave him up for adoption.
It was 1965- it was quite a stigma in those days- unwed motherhood.  Particularly in a conservative family from the mid-west. I know my family is wondering why she didn't bring him "home." But she had worked so hard to go through college and start a career...and in addition to the heartbreak of betrayal- could she handle a life of "shame?"  Even if she loved her baby- he could potentially be a daily reminder of how she had "failed" and was betrayed.  Could she have given him the life she wanted for him? Could she live in a small town with a life of hushed whispers, gossip and side-eye? Remember, it was the 60's.
I wouldn't have wished that on my smart and beautiful mother.
Did she love the baby?  I have no doubt whatsoever that she did.  The adoption paperwork said that she held him, fed him and then, gave him up....I suspect it's probably the most difficult thing she ever did, other than keeping him a secret.  My mother loved people deeply- she was one of the most tender-hearted people I have ever met.  Now- she could be a bitch, but she was a bitch who loved with her whole heart.

The part Dad and I struggle with is that she never felt like she could tell us.  We loved her.  We wish she would have told us.  Dad says he would have told her to go look for him.  I think she probably kept it secret so long, she didn't know how not to...I am sure it terrified her.  But we have moved through our disappointment at that- and now, we just feel so sad for her.
To have to carry that alone for her life, particularly because she didn't need to.
All the feels.

What is so devastating to me...oh my.
SO- Bill was born in October of 1965 in Hartford, Connecticut. In the same hospital I was born in.
My cousin Scott was born August, 1965, my cousin Tim was born September, 1965 and then Bill.
So there they are- boom, boom, boom...the first 3 babies of my generation.
She then went home to Iowa for Christmas that year.
There's a photo of the family.  She's right in the middle- looking pale and a bit miserable- I am sure the family just thought it was depression from the break-up- they had been together for 3 years, after all.  But she's standing between two of my aunts, each holding their baby boys- who were the same age as her baby.
HOW DID SHE DO THAT?
I don't know- it just grieves me to the core of my heart.
Sigh.

It's been an interesting few months, to say the least.
My poor family is processing the information now- it's a lot, I get it.

I, for one, am thrilled to have a brother.
I have not met him yet- but we email almost every day and had a 5 hour phone conversation (I hate talking on the phone- so that's kind of a big deal)
I am hoping to meet him sometime in the next year- more on that later.
I also want to meet his wife and his mom- yay! More family!

He's very cool.
He's smart and funny- and a lot like Mom- it kind of weirds me out.
It's been interesting to ponder nature vs. nurture through this whole thing.
He and Dad have also been emailing and get along great so far.  So we're all good.
I am praying that my family will be able to embrace him as well- so we can let him get to know us and get to know him- but it's a lot to process- we've given them the information- and they can do with it as they see fit.

I feel sad that my mother and family were "robbed" of knowing him.  But God is good- I am amazed at how for 50 years, He's been leaving a trail of bread crumbs so that when all was revealed- it made sense.  God restores.  He places people in family- and He's not a traditionalist...just sayin'.  I am thankful to have more family.

AND, I have 47 years of being a bratty little sister to make up for- and I am going for it.
Going from an "only" to the "baby"-  hee.
I am a truly special snowflake.

For there is nothing hidden

that will not be made manifest, 

nor is anything secret 

that will not be known 

and come to life.

Luke 8:17