Oop Ack

Today, I hit a wall.
Ran right into that puppy.
Not literally, but, wow.

I am not sure why...
I took a day on Saturday to hide and reflect. I attended an Advent day of contemplation at a beautiful convent on the East Side- on the water, it was gorgeous- and relaxing.
Pondering thoughts about the Word made flesh and how that applies to me.
We rejoiced with friends who got married yesterday.
A slew of friends' babies were born this weekend- all healthy and happy mamas and babies-so many- which is all cause for celebration!  Hallelujah!

So why am I so glum?

I don't really know.
All kabillion Christmas shows are open- but there is the daily maintenance to be done.
And another show to design, the meeting is on Friday.
And a bunch of plays to read by Wednesday (only one more to go)  And all the stuff in my job that I haven't been able to do for the past 4 months because it has been so crazy- scissor sharpening to be scheduled, sewing machine maintenance to deal with, restoring costume stock from 6 months of lots of people rummaging through it, end of year receipts, ordering supplies for next year, ordering patterns and fabric for the next show, doing the mid-year repairs and maintenance on the school touring shows, end of year budget wrapping up, setting up next years budgets, thank-you notes for donations, the list never ends, it just grows...and that's just my job.

I want to sit down and cry.
I am just so done.
But that is not an option.
So what do I do?
No, really, what do I do?

Tonight, I participated in a storytelling evening about Christmas.  So many wonderful tales of tradition and family and love- and I have lots of those myself...it was hard to figure out which one to use, there are so many....and yet, even after hearing all these beautiful stories..I am so...something...

I think my brain is just fried. I am having more trouble designing this next show than I have ever had- and it's not a difficult show- but there are so many unknowns to try and navigate for a 3 week build... and I just feel stuck.  My creativity is not flowing.  It will be fine- I made quite a bit of progress today- but it's just...hard.
Life is hard.
Words are hard.
Adulting is hard.

I'm...tired.  Not sleepy- just bone and soul weary.  And I really have no idea what to do about it.
I want to take time by myself, with Marty, with God, with people, spend time- laugh, love, eat, rest, think...have fun.

But BUSY.  And NOISE.  And the BATSHIT CRAZY WORLD.

I want to take time to fight the good fight.
A friend of mine is putting together a fundraiser for a safehouse in Nepal that helps rescue trafficked women and children. It's on Sunday at Taproot Theatre in the Isaac from 3-5pm, if you are interested. I will be emcee of the event...which is...daunting.
We watched a part of the film we'll be showing at the event on Sunday at church-and I can't even.
Every little snippet I watch about these children and young women overcoming such crazy things in their lives just moves me deep, deep in my soul. I cry every time I see these beautiful people and I have such hope for their lives, and what God is doing there in Nepal, through them.  I pray that I get to meet them in this lifetime.  I pray that God will blow our socks off at this fundraiser.  We have no idea if anyone is actually coming.  But there are donations of food and wine and auction items and I think- why would God prepare a party that no one will attend?  I guess we have to trust there will be bodies in the room. I hope so- this is powerful story happening....
I am truly humbled to be able to participate in such an amazing thing.  To get to be even a little bit a part of the story is truly...awesome...inspiring...and very, very humbling.

And I wonder, why can't I get over myself?
My problems are so very first world, I am so terribly blessed, but I am so sick of it all.
What in me needs to change?  What outside me needs to change?

This morning, I was reading in this great Advent devotional that a friend loaned me, because, I am trying- to find meaning in all the crazy...you know, like you do this time of year...
SO- Henri Nouwen on waiting.

I think I might suck at waiting.

"People are afraid- afraid of inner feelings, afraid of other people,

and also afraid of the future. Fearful people have a hard time waiting, 

because when we are afraid, we want to get away from where we are.

Uh, yeah.  I get that.  What are you fearful of?  I am afraid that nothing will ever change.  That I will always be this busy- that I will never get to do what really matters to me because I will never have time to do it.  Not that what I am doing isn't important, I think it is- but there is more out there- I can feel it- I just can't get to it. Can I just be honest?  I feel like the frog in boiling water- it just gets hotter, and hotter until the frog is dead- without even noticing that it was dying. 

 I am not a fan of dead frogs.

And then I read this from our good friend Henri, and I get all convicted:

People who wait have received a promise that allows them to wait.

They have received something that is at work in them, 

like a seed that has started to grow.
We can only really wait if what we are waiting for has 

already begun for us.

The word "patience: means the willingness to stay where we are

and live the situation out to the full in the belief

that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.

Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment,

in the conviction that something is happening where you are

and you want to be present to it.

Yep.  TOTALLY suck at waiting...

I am just not sure I can hear the promise through all the busy and the noise- and I am purposeful about finding time to be still...so how does that work?

Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, 

but fulfilled according to the promises 

and not just according to our wishes.

In the immortal words of Bill the Cat..."OOP ACK!"

I feel ya', Bill, I really do.  

This is my perpetual inner dialogue as of late.

Meanwhile, back with Henri:

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life...

So, too, is giving up control over our future 

and letting God define our life, 

trusting that God molds us according to God's love 

and not according to our fear.

Jinkies. Now, I'm not only tired, but I feel like a real wanker about being tired.

How do I wait open-endedly- and still be, I don't know- functioning at the end of it?

I just don't know what the breakthrough point will be.

Grace.  That's what I need, more grace than I can conceive....

I seek God. I read the Word.  I pray.

I trust His Grace.  I show up, because- really, what other choice do I have?

I just really wish I could find joy in the waiting.

That's the kind of grace I am looking for.  That the joy of the Lord would truly be my strength- because right now, not so much.... just sayin'.

Because it really is starting to feel like the reward for good work, is just more work...and I am getting to the point where it's going to stop being good work.

So, now what?

I will just keep going, keep showing up, keep trusting...and trust that when I get to the end of it all, there will be something better- something beyond all that I can imagine or expect.  I will trust that none of the crazy has been wasted, that He really does cause ALL things to work together for my good.

I will.  And I believe.  And I trust.  At least, as much as I can right now.

Because, I am still....tired.