The lost wonder of Advent...

In my mind’s ear I can hear God saying to God, “Can I do it? Do I love them that much? 

Can I leave my galaxies, my solar systems, can I leave the hydrogen clouds and the birthing stars 

and the journeyings of comets, can I leave all that I have made,

 give it all up, and become a tiny, unknowing seed in the belly of a young girl?

 Do I love them that much? Do I have to do that in order to show them what i is to be human?”

 Yes! The answer on our part is a grateful Alleluia! Amen! 

God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son…” 

Madeline L’engle –Penguins and Golden Calves

Oh, Madeline.  I love you so much.  I look forward to meeting you in eternity.

Her book, Bright Evening Star  is one of the best books I have read.  I usually read it every year about this time, to ponder the Incarnation.  God came to us as Emmanuel- God with us.  Why?
Well, look around.  There is madness and a shooting evolving in San Bernadino as I type this.  

Why did God come down?  Ummm... We're not particularly good at doing this "life" thing on our own. Haven't you noticed?   Unlove...lawlessness- partnered in our lives to destroy us and everything we touch.  Heavy stuff.
But, true.  Left to our own devices, we usually have a tendency to muck it all up, even with love and good intentions...

But we aren't left to our own devices.  This is one of my favorite literary passages EVER from Bright Evening Star:

Don't try and explain the Incarnation to me!
It is further from being explainable than the furthest star in the furthest galaxy.
It is love, God's limitless love 
enfleshing the love into the form of a human being,

Jesus, the Christ,

fully human and fully divine.

Was there a moment, known only to God, 

when all the  stars held their breath, 

when the galaxies paused in their dance for a fraction of a second, 

and the  WORD,

who had called it all into being, 

went with all his love into the womb of a young girl,

and the universe started to breathe again, and the ancient harmonies resumed their song,

and the angels clapped their hands for joy?

Power.

Greater power than we can imagine,

abandoned, 

as the Word knew the powerlessness of the unborn child,

still unformed, 

taking up almost no space in the great ocean of amniotic fluid, 

unseeing, unhearing, unknowing. ...

Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity, 

Christ, the Maker of the universe or perhaps many universes,

willingly and lovengly leaving all that power 

and coming to this poor, sin-filled planet to live with us

for a few years and show us what we ought to be

 and could be.

What a gorgeous piece of prose.  I love it.  I wanted to read it once in church- but I think maybe the whole amniotic fluid bit put the powers-that-be off a smidge.  But frankly,  that's what I love about it this passage.  The juxtaposition.

The WORD made flesh.  It boggles the mind doesn't it- we can't really wrap our brains around it.  It is a MYSTERY in the grandest sense of the word.  The Creator of untold beauty and UNIVERSES- needs his nappy changed?  What the what?  What madness is this?  It is....mystery.

When did we not become okay with mystery?

Why do we think we need to know every little thing about every little thing?  When did we forget that truth isn't necessarily fact?
Sigh.

I don't know.
I am feeling particularly melancholy this year.   I don't know if it's because I am burned out and exhausted , sad from all the batshit crazy of the world...I dunno.

I miss the childlike wonder of it all.  I miss MY childlike wonder.

When I was growing up in Connecticut- Advent and Christmas were a pretty big deal.   This time of my life centered mostly around church.  However, we  did stuff at home too, I remember my Dad made an advent wreath for our house and we did readings on Sunday nights. I also have numerous advent calendars from those days.  But most of my memories were church related. And for the first 15 years of my life- Advent was my favorite time of year.  When I turned 15, we moved to Illinois, and our traditions became far less consistent.  And I missed it, I still do.   

I know, I know- life changes and moves on...but still..

Most of the tradition happened at this place.

First Congregational Church, Guilford, Connecticut

Look at that beautiful, New England Church- that's where I grew up. This was "home."  I still dream that I go there- it's very odd.  I guess it just goes to show what a big part of my life it was.

The first Sunday of Advent- I was usually the one to light the first candle on the big wreath up front (I was an only child)- the first time I did it- I tried to blow the lighter out- but it was one of those fancy brass lighter thingys that you had to pull the wick back into the tube...I don't even know how to describe it, obviously. The congregation had a good chuckle at my expense, but I knew what to do the next year. I was a rock star.

There were also the weekly Advent suppers, on Wednesdays.  I loved those.  They were potluck dinners- tons of good food- so many people, my friends- macaroni salads galore-  I looked forward to it every year. 

During the first of these suppers, we made ornaments for the huge tree that was put up in the sanctuary.  It was covered with  the handmade ornaments, and as the month progressed, gloves and mittens for people who needed them were added as well as  huge piles of  food under the tree for those who were hungry.  It was true community.  So many good memories- so many people that were "framily" that are still part of my heart today.

There was an expectation during that season- of love, of joy, of safety, of warmth, of peace.  As a child, I don't think I fully understood what it meant to be to be in God's presence, that I could have a personal relationship with Him.  It was all community centered- but I don't think that was a bad thing.  I remember being about eight years old and having my first big Bible- and sitting in my little chair, reading- wishing that I understood what it was trying to tell me.   I think that will be a life long process of discovery- but I know that God honored the wish in my eight year old heart. I love reading my Bible- and sometimes, I even understand it.

But Advent, was all about expectation and joy- not stress (granted, my mom may have disagreed with that statement) 

I wonder what happened?  I grew up.  My community changed.  Traditions became unstable, and somewhere along the way- I lost Advent.  

I've done certain things to try to get it back- but so far, no luck.  I have done various Advent devotionals- a friend loaned me a new one today...I am looking forward to diving in.  I usually  read  Bright Evening Star- darling Madeline- who opens the doors of wonder to who God is and just how HUGE He is.  I spend time with friends, and there is a flurry of fun activity and being with people we love- but somehow, it's just all too...much?  Crazy?  Busy? Maybe it is that I have attended non-denominational churches as an adult and that liturgical tradition just isn't how they roll...

So- my holidays have changed...a lot. Tonight- I am thinking I need to wrap presents to get things ready to be shipped to the Midwest by Friday.  I haven't even THOUGHT about Christmas cards (remember those antiquated things?) and this weekend is completely booked with a concert and a wedding, next weekend is a party and a fundraiser for a safehouse in Nepal that I am helping with...so BUSY, BUSY, BUSY.  Adulting sucks- particularly during the holidays.

But Saturday.  On Saturday- I am going with a friend...to a convent.  For  an Advent prayer retreat. Six hours of silence?  Sounds like heaven to me. Not sure what it'll be, except we'll be eating lunch with the sisters.  So I am looking forward to that- perhaps, that will need to be a new Advent  tradition for me.

Perhaps- the wonder of the universe will come back to me....

I hope.