Ennui and Henri....

I am struggling with apathy today.
Not with apathy for the world at large, the hungry and broken, the lost, the orphaned.
I am not struggling with God.
I am struggling with apathy in the dailies.
I wonder, will things ever change?
Will promises that have been made to me be kept?
And if they are not, am I okay with that?  Can I keep going?
Is there the grace to continue and stay faithful and keep my integrity?
Of course, God supplies the grace.
But am I up for my end of things?

I don't have an answer for that.
How do you keep from walking out on your life?
When you have just had enough?
And it's not that things are terrible or bad, it's just....enough.

It's a gorgeous and sunny spring day here in Seattle.
The trees are in full bloom, the tulip fields up north, as well- and it's a full 2-3 weeks early.
And yet...ennui.
What the crap?
Why am I in such a funk?

Seriously, when this is a real thing where I live?

fields upon fields upon fields in bloom...

at least until they plow them up.

In my "quiet time," I am currently reading about work being sacred.
It is not feeling sacred today.
I am feeling discouraged today.
I am sure it's not necessarily the work itself- I have been doing it for eleven years, worst case- it might be a bit boring, if anything.
There are parts of my work I love- the creation, the research, the design, the collaboration and realization of the design into wearable art....
Other parts- not so much.
And I know- every job has its sucky bits.  That is reality.  And that is fine.
I have no illusions about that.
But I look around at people just...gushing...about what we do- and I'm like...I don't get it.
Then I feel like something is wrong with me because I am not "gushing."
It's just...work.
Here's the thing- there are two kinds of professionals who work in theatre.
There are "theatre people" who live, eat, breathe theatre- they see everything they can, they get super excited about it all- it's fantastic.
And there are people who work in theatre.  It's a vocation, an outlet for a particular gift/skill set.
I fall in the second category.  I am passionate about "story."  That is where my passion lies....

I feel that story is such an important part of life.
Jesus told stories- that in itself is enough for me to want to be a part of storytelling.
And that's what I do- I tell stories with clothing.
I actually went to school for it- and I am SO THANKFUL that I can do what I went to school for- I realize that I am in the minority- and it's amazing.
Sometimes, my work is really fun and exciting- I am working on the designs for Big Fish right now- and it's a hoot- I have so many great ideas of who these people are, how we can communicate that to the audience so they don't get confused, how to create all these beautiful worlds...Mermaids!  Trees! Giants!  Circus folk!  SO MUCH FUN.

But still, I wonder.  Is this all there is?
Am I being/doing everything I am supposed to?
Am I being an effective ambassador of Christ as I spend the majority of my time tucked away in a basement in Seattle? Mostly, by myself?
This is a question I have been asking for the past couple of years.
I have no answers yet.

Meanwhile, I have been pondering the idea of work as love made visible.  I ran across that turn of phrase in  Seven Sacred Pauses by Macrina Wiederkehr.
I love the idea of that- but I feel like I kind of suck at it in this moment.
In the moment of creation- the art, the design- it is easy to realize that as love.
When you are in the "zone," in tune with creation, with the Creator- it's amazing and it is so obvious that it is LOVE.
But in the politics of work, the perpetual tension of the seemingly endless battle for resources we need to do our jobs? Not so much.  Even when you truly love people...not so much.

We belong to this earth, and the work we do

is ultimately for the purpose of making our world a better place to live.

Macrina Wiederkehr

I get it.  I do.  

But in the dailies- sometimes, it's hard to be enthusiastic and full of great joy.

Particularly in a country/culture that values overwork, being constantly available to work, and making something out of nothing with no pay.

Which is particularly bad in the arts.

Because, of course, we do it only because we love it.

We shouldn't need to be paid for it, after all, it is a labor of love.

Would you ask that of a doctor?  Or a lawyer?   Your accountant?
Yet- everyday, artists are asked to give their art to world, their work of hours and hours of blood, sweat and tears- for free, for love and for..my personal favorite..."exposure."

SO..

How do you treat your work with love, in a world that doesn't value it?  Or you?

Beauty is God's idea.  In the beginning- He created.  He is love. I guess that somehow all smashes together to make art through us.

Yet, those of us who are called to create-seem to have no value in our society.

We have cut programs in schools that teach children to create- whether it be art, music, dance, science, robotics, writing, play...we thwart imagination as soon as it rears its ugly head...conform, conform, conform...test, test, test.

I think we can all agree that killing creation is bad. 

How did we get here?
How do we turn it all around?

I have no idea why I wrote this post today.  But this is what is swirling in my brain.

And I know this is a temporary ennui...

This too shall pass.

Mais oui, Henri.....I understand....I understand.

I have faith that God is working all things for good- even when everything seems to be going the opposite direction.  His eye is still on the sparrow.  He still knows the number of hairs on my head, and in my hairbrush....

Because He is God.  And He is good.

This is my new favorite scripture.  It kind of boggles the mind when you really think about it.

And it does help to focus on something bigger that myself.

Something bigger than myself....otherwise known as the COSMOS.

Awesome, inspiring and beautiful, n'est pas?

He counts the number of stars,

He gives names to all of them.

Psalm 147:4

Selah.