Twitching and forgiveness....

Forgiveness.
That's a huge can of worms, isn't it?
We glibly speak of it, as if it is an easy part of life, when it's not.
Really...not.
But there it is.

I believe it was Nelson Mandela who first said something along the lines of unforgiveness being like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Truth.
I think of all the injustices that I have been on the receiving end of, all the crap- and then I think about all the "discussions" that I have had with those people who were the cause of the crap- only they weren't actually there.
I usually have these "discussions" in the shower, so it's probably a good thing that they weren't actually there.  Awkward.
It created so much drama in my heart...so much wasted energy and time.
And the people who done me wrong?  They had no idea it was happening, and probably couldn't have cared less...which may or may not be a good thing.

Over the years, I have heard many a sermon on forgiveness, I am sure many of us have.
And each time...well, another layer gets peeled away.
This weekend was no exception.

I think forgiveness is so important, particularly in the crazypants world we live in now.  Just the events of the past few days should show us how important it is.  And it's getting harder to do, because as a society- we are getting more self-centered, and even more selfish- and no one is paying attention or looking out for one another- so offences are happening all over our world. Sometimes offences are intentional harm toward us, but most of the time- I think they are just carelessness and thoughtlessness.

It depresses me to see how thoughtless we are toward our fellow man.  One of my friends took her children to an indoor playground for little kids.  Playing there that day was a young fellow, who was quite a bit bigger and older than the other kids and appeared to have some form of autism or other development issues. Which- no problem.  Those little people have every right to play and enjoy the playground. However, this boy's parents were paying no attention whatsoever.  They were staring at their phones.  So when this boy got excited, he pushed my 2 year old godson off a climber hard enough that my godson got winded.  The parents did nothing.  So my friend went over (obviously) and picked her child up and said to the other boy, "You can't do that!  You can't shove little kids!"  And then the boy- who was by this point upset, went after her.  He tried to hit her and grab her throat.  And still, the parents were on their phones.  Her husband picked up the boy and put him down in front of his surprised parents and then my friends had to leave because they were so upset.  For real.  This is a true story.

Now, granted, we don't know the parents' story.  I am sure they were tired, special needs kids take a lot out of you- we don't know what kind of day the boy was having, we just don't.  But that doesn't excuse us not paying attention.

It all goes back to us valuing life.
It goes back to us giving a crap about what is going on in the world.
Which is hard, because no one else seems to give a crap.  So how do we do this without becoming bitter and hardened and not selfish ourselves?  This is something I ponder on a fairly regular basis.

My pastor, Perry, found an interesting statistic.  He was reading an article by a psychiatrist who said that institutions would probably be able to let 75% of their patients go if those patients could let go of  the guilt or unforgiveness they were carrying.  Wow.
That boggles my mind, and yet, makes a lot of sense.

Unforgiveness is basically unprocessed pain.

That saying, "Forgive and forget?"  Well, forgive my language, but I am going to call bullshit on that one.  No one forgets- do we?  Even if we are able to forgive, and process the emotions- we don't forget what happened.
That's okay.  I suspect it's healthy- it helps us set boundaries in the future.

So a few things I learned from the sermon about forgiveness- and a few thoughts of my own.

Forgiveness actually validates what happened.  
Be it an insult, oversight, injustice- whatever caused us harm or what we perceive to have caused us harm, forgiveness helps us process the pain.  It's an acknowledgement that what happened was not okay. And you can't let go of something if you don't acknowledge it- that's why forgetting doesn't actually work.  You need to acknowledge the pain and the harm, and work through it- it's not fun.  I think sometimes the pain feels like it will destroy us and we will never survive, but we must do it anyhow.

Forgiveness is an act of will.
We often hear about love being an act of will- loving someone when they are not behaving in a loveable way- we all do it, don't we?  Parents, children, friends, spouses....that is what love is.
Forgiveness is also an act of will. We choose to forgive, even if, and particularly when we don't feel like it.

I think back to about 15 years ago.  I was engaged to a pastor in Poland. (A long and sordid tale, indeed) and I went to visit him one summer.  No one warned me about the jealousy or ferocity of Polish mother-in-laws to be. She would go into his room at night and spew poison about me in his ear.  I believe it was something along the lines of I was controlling him with sex, which I found fascinating because that would have been way more effective if we had actually been having sex...but I digress.  She would slam doors in my face...it was delightful. I actually developed a twitch under my eye that wouldn't stop because I was so stressed out. I've been disliked before, but never downright hated.  I came back to the States, and began to prepare to move to Poland to marry this guy, because I felt like that was what God was calling me to do.  But then he quit writing to me..he just...disappeared.  And it wasn't as if I could just "drop by" and see what was going on because POLAND.  I think she just wore him down.

Hindsight sees that betrayal as part of the journey and a blessing in disguise.  He didn't think I was worth fighting for, and it felt like the deepest of betrayals.  I was going to give up everything and everyone I knew to obey God and go marry him, and he didn't think I was worth fighting for. This is one of the lies in my life that I battle the most- that I don't matter, and I am not worth fighting for. The whole incident sent me into my proverbial "dark night of the soul" and was the catalyst to deepening my faith.  But at the time....
IT SUCKED.  A LOT.  CUSSING and BAD WORDS.
So much pain- so much confusion.  But I knew, I knew that I had to forgive them or the pain would consume me.  So every single day- for nearly TWO YEARS, I prayed.
"Father, I forgive Mateusz and Helena by faith- I am not feeling it- but I choose it and I trust You to help my feelings catch up."  TWO YEARS.  EVERY...SINGLE...DAY.  Choosing to forgive instead of buying a ticket to Poland and slamming a few doors myself. It was hard, so very hard.
And then one day, I had let it go...I was okay.  

I think about a word picture that Perry painted in his sermon- it was a story he heard or read or something.  About forgiveness being like a church bell.
At some point, you need to let go of the rope.
And the bell continues to ring, but you have already let go of the rope, you choose not to grab it again.
And eventually, the bell stops.  And you still haven't grabbed the rope back, you let it go.
The bell is still there- but you aren't attached to it.
So- by a force of will, we let go of the rope.
And eventually- our feelings catch up...and the ringing begins to fade. 

What a great picture.  So helpful.
And I think that's easier to do with the big stuff, the stuff that it's super obvious we need to forgive.
I have a harder time in the dailies- the thoughtlessness of others that just wears you down, day after day.  All the crap.  All the imaginary chats in the shower....so exhausting.

Forgiveness isn't an event, it is a lifestyle.
And it's good for everyone, no matter what you believe.
But for we Christians, it's a command.  That's right, not a request, a command.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Yikes.  That is a very sobering thought.
I love justice. I want to see justice. And I deserve justice myself, it's terrifying.  I hurt people along the way in life. I know the depravity of my own soul. I know what I have done, I know what horrible things I am capable of. I don't intend to share, but if you go looking for skeletons in my closet- there's a huge walk-in full of them rattling around.  So really, what I want is mercy, and forgiveness for myself, not justice....and if I want that, I need to give it.  

We need to forgive.  Or crap will literally eat us alive and we'll end up old and angry and bitter, you know, sort of like what Meg Ryan's character said to Kevin Kline's character in French Kiss....the bit where he becomes a bitter old man....

"You make my ass tweetch." 

Now, listen, I don't walk around all grace, love, sunshine and fluffy bunnies myself, I don't. I get so mad I could spit sometimes...and I have to CHOOSE to forgive- sometimes several times in a MINUTE...true story.
It's work, hard work...but I think in the end, it's the only choice we have.
So let's give it a go.
Let's look around, be aware- be aware of others, of our reactions to things, of taking offense when none is intended...of being the people who start the change.
I will tell you the truth. I suspect it will suck.  We'll probably get walked on, taken advantage of....hurt.  People who hurt us probably still won't care. But somewhere along the way- someone we touch will get it.  And maybe that will move them to a place of healing, freedom and forgiveness and it will multiply- and maybe, just maybe, we can start to turn this ship of bitter selfishness that is our society around.

No bitter, twitchy asses in my old age...it's a goal.